Difficult

For the past week I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled to stay awake, to go to sleep, to eat food, to be excited, to do good work. And not just at work. For 24 hours every day over the past week, everything, everything, was miserably, excruciatingly hard.

So this weekend, I’m trying to wrap my mind around the whole situation. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed. I’m reading a hilarious book. I’m contemplating a very sad book. I’m going outside. I’m sitting inside. I joined a gym. I’m going to take a BodyFlow class at the gym, which probably sounds more fun than it’s going to be. But I’m going.

I’m thinking about home and my family and my friends and my favorite bookstore and coffee shop and vintage clothing store. I found a new bookstore.

I’m thinking about Virginia and everything it means to be graduated from college, to be a grown up, to still feel like I’m 16.

I’m thinking about why I’m here, what I’m doing, what I want, and how I can make things better. Because, let’s face it, me not being outgoing and sunshiney and happy is kinda like Cat skipping a meal. Something just isn’t right.

I’ve been thing about loneliness and what it means to be alone versus lonely versus just-plain-pissed-off-at-life.

I’ve been considering writing letters and fiction and postcards and e-mails and stories and articles and photo captions and the promotional blurb on the back of my shampoo that insists this shampoo will do amazing, fruity things to my hair. (Do I want amazing things done to my hair?!?! Usually I consider it a success if I show up to work with all my hair falling in the same general direction with no or very little curling, frizzing or limpness. Who cares about amazing and fruity!)

I bought a hot chocolate and tension rods and a new book and a red sweater that is very soft and was on very good discount. (The sweater, not the tension rods. They were already only $3.)

ANYWAY…

My point is, after all this contemplating and considering and thinking and wondering, I’ve come to no conclusion except that I have no idea what’s happening with my life, but I’m going to do my darndest to fix it.

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